birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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