i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
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