so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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