I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
