Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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