This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
