I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
