so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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