My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
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