sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
