A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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