This is not my ceiling
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Randomize
