I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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