he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
