i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
