..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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