I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
