Need sex. Gaining weight.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Randomize
