How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
