wanna go halves on a baby?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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