I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
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