I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
if only i could text you this smell
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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