Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I feel like abortions should bother me more
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
