my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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