whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I have aggressive nipples.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
