Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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