Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
