i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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