So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
did you just send me my own nude
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize
