1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
