Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
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