You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
