So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
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