totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I think I sprained my soul last night
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
