I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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