i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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