Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
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