Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
