Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
