Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
