the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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