well I can't set my house on fire every night
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
