She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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