I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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