Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
