"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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