Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
