where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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