I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
did you just send me my own nude
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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