just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
and she was petting her beer can
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Randomize
