The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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