Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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