I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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