how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
These tits shall not be calmed
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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