Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
