I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
