i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
