My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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