Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
