that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
